im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
