Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
