Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
