i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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