A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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