My brain says no but my pants say off.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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