You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just want nice things and good sex
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
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