I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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