Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
