So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
