You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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