what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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