just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
