the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
