I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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