Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
