oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
