You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
