the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
