my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
