If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
