it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
