If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
