i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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