Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
