I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
