I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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