The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
