When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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