I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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