Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
