Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
