Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
