I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Randomize
