I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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