is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
