Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
