sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
jump out the window naked night went bad
So apparently I’m into choking now
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
