i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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