i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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