She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
