My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you will always have a special place in my vag
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
