Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
