Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My cat gives me a boner
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
We smell like vodka and hangover
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