theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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