i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
