Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
