dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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