Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
