it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
she looked like the before picture.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
